


I Have You

by sumnawaz



Category: Blood and Ash Series - Jennifer L. Armentrout
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, F/M, Nightmares, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:47:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27672892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sumnawaz/pseuds/sumnawaz
Summary: Getting plagued by the nightmares of her parents' deaths isn't new for Poppy, but that changes when suddenly she has a nightmare of her husband's death.
Relationships: Penellaphe Balfour/Casteel Da'Neer, Penellaphe Da'Neer/Casteel Da'Neer, Poppy Balfour/Casteel Da'Neer, Poppy Da'Neer/Casteel Da'Neer
Comments: 5
Kudos: 73





	I Have You

**Author's Note:**

> all characters belong to Jennifer L. Armentrout.

I shouldn’t have let go of his hand. Maybe then it could’ve been prevented. Maybe. I didn’t know. But I shouldn’t have let go of his hand.

We were walking in a field—familiar, but not. Mountains lined the horizon in the distance, the pastel colored flowers glowing under the sun, the tall grass brushing along the skirt of my gown. But there were trees; jacaranda trees that I hadn’t seen in Atlantia, but was familiar with back in Solis. Trees that were in the Queen’s Garden back in Castle Teerman. How did they get here, in this field? I didn’t remember ever seeing trees such as these here. This wasn’t right, was it?

Still, though, I moved through the field, an absent smile on my face as my fingers brushed along the petals of the tall flowers I passed by. I could feel him behind me, just a few steps away as he followed along after I’d let go of his hand to walk ahead. “You’re awfully quiet today,” I mused as I walked, the soft grass silent under my feet.

“Just admiring the scenery,” Casteel returned, and the lilt in his voice was teasing enough for me to warrant a glance at him over my shoulder. I caught sight of his wolfish grin, the kind that brought out both damnable dimples.

I easily returned the smile, the sight of him robbing me of my breath. He practically glowed under the sun, amber eyes luminous as the gentle breeze ruffled his dark hair. There was a calmness in the way he stood, losing the tension of that of a warrior prince, almost boyish in the way he smiled. A beautiful sight—far more than the flowers and mysteriously misplaced trees around us, I could admit.

Almost unreal as he stood there, but that was the thing about Casteel. He always seemed larger than life, untouchable.

I turned back around, gazing out at the expanse of field in front of us, letting out a long breath. “Do you think we’d get in trouble if we snuck out here every once in a while?”

Casteel’s chuckle was soft behind me. “The King and Queen answer to no one, except maybe the Gods. And I doubt they care enough to disapprove of these small adventures.”

My smile returned. He had a point there.

“I like coming out here with you,” I said, squinting slightly against the sun. My eyes flickered up as a few clouds began creeping along the sky, blanketing some of the field in their shadow. “Just the two of us, not having to worry about anything, at least for a little while.”

As I waited for Casteel to respond, the sky started to darken, the clouds gliding over looking a lot darker with the weight of rain they seemed ready to drop. The breeze that had been blowing, previously warm and gentle, started turning bitterly chilly, and my eyebrows furrowed together. The flowers and grass and trees rustled in a haunting whisper, and I knew something was wrong. My spine straightened, lips parting to ask Casteel what was going on, when I felt a tingling sensation in my left hand.

Frowning, I turned my hand over, fingers trembling slightly from the foreign, uncomfortable sensation. And I watched in a stunned daze as the gold mark on my palm, began glowing and—and _receding_ into itself. My heart began racing in bewilderment and shock, unable to move as I watched the tattoo shrink and shrink and shrink and—

Then it disappeared.

“What?” I gasped, blinking my wide eyes, hoping that I was just imagining things.

And then, from behind me, came a thud.

I spun just as thunder cracked through the sky. Rain had begun pouring down unforgivingly, but I didn’t care. My heart had stopped in my chest as I stared at Casteel—unmoving on the ground. I think I screamed—his name, maybe—but the sound was lost in the roar of the rain as I ran forward, stumbling and slipping on the wet soil as the rain pelted me. My hand still tingled, still felt bare, and the lack of the mark sent an unwanted bolt of terror through me as I fell to the ground next to him.

The pain ricocheted from my knees to the rest of my body, but I grasped the front of Casteel’s tunic. Rain showered down on us, but the chill in my bones had nothing to do with it as I placed one hand over his chest while the other reached for his left hand. “Casteel,” I gasped, maybe cried, begged, as I hoped to feel that steady, reassuring beat of his heart beneath his chest.

It wasn’t there.

“No,” I whispered, the sound broken to my own ears as I pressed my hand harder against his chest. “Oh, my Gods, no, no, no.”

I tried to summon it—any kind of power I could find within myself, those healing abilities I’ve used on mortals and Atlantians and wolven alike, praying it would do something to fix this, fix him. The rain was a never ending roar around us, but it didn’t compare to the mindless, endless, screaming ringing in my ears, like I couldn’t find the voice to actually scream anything other than repeating his name over and over and over again.

It didn’t work. There was no glow beneath my hands, no power thrumming through me as I stared down at the closed eyes of my husband. My fingers trembled as I turned over his left hand, a whimper falling past quivering lips as I saw the lack of the mark on his own skin.

_Through death or decree._

This wasn’t happening. No—how could it be? What had happened? He was fine—he’d been fine. We were just walking, just talking, and he just. . . He fell. And that—that couldn’t be it, could it? He couldn’t be fine one minute and then. . . 

No, no. This wasn’t happening.

My vision blurred, throat burning with the restrain of keeping in the cries that fought to escape as I looked down at him. His chest wasn’t moving. His amber eyes were closed away, lips relaxed and hiding those dimples. Gods, he looked like he was sleeping but his heart—I couldn’t feel it over the panicked thundering of my own and our marks—our marriage marks were gone. 

“Casteel,” I begged, trembling hands cupping his jaw as I looked down at him and—oh, Gods, there was blood. Blood that pooled beneath his lying body, blood that soaked the soil in a daunting crimson color. Where was it coming from? He didn’t—he had no wounds. _What was happening?_ “Cas, please.” My lips tasted like salt, tears mixing in with the rain on my face. I was on my knees, legs folded beneath me, and I used whatever strength my brittle bones could summon to pull him towards me, resting his head on my lap. “Please, wake up. Come back to me. Please.”

He didn’t move. The clouds rolled and thunder cracked and I felt a tightness in my chest, horribly consuming and stealing my breath. My body shook, the tears fell, and I screamed. A terrifying, shattering scream as I clung to his still body, feeling the blood that leaked from an unknown source dampen my already wet dress—except his blood was warm. 

But his body was cold.

And I was hollow. Utterly hollow as my throat grew raw and a sharp pain lanced behind my eyes. I squeezed them shut, my own breathing ragged and broken as I lowered my forehead to his, and I didn’t want to move. I’ve lost people, too many people, and each time I found a way to move forward. But this. . .

“Please,” I whispered again, a plea to him, a plea to the Gods, to anyone listening.

This, I couldn’t do. This, I wasn’t ready to lose—ever wanted to lose. This, I couldn’t come back from. 

But my skin remained empty of the mark. Casteel’s chest remained empty of his beating heart. And I was just empty. 

The sharp sound of me drawing in a lungful of air threw me back into consciousness, and I jerked awake with rapidly blinking eyes. The soft mattress and warm blankets I lay with were familiar in touch and scent, and I squeezed my eyes shut as I told myself I was safe, even as I felt the thin sheen of sweat on my forehead and the back of my neck.

“Poppy?” The mattress shifted and my eyes flew open at the familiar, sleep roughened voice, wild gaze coming to look at the amber eyes above me. Casteel peered down at me, eyebrows drawn together in concern, and my lips parted to allow in a sharp inhale of relief. “What’s wrong? Was it a nightmare?”

His hand reached forward to brush a lock of my hair away from my face, but my own hand shot up before he could. He watched, worried and confused, as I turned his hand so I could see his palm, and a shuddering breath escaped me at the sight of the familiar mark. I knew it would be there, given that he was alive and talking to me, yet I still needed to check. 

Too real. That had been too real of a nightmare. 

All of my previous ones were of horrific events that I already went through—but this one was one of my greatest fears playing out in front of me. 

I could feel Casteel’s gaze on me as I let go of his hand—though, not before feeling the thrum of his pulse on his wrist; that beautiful, steady pulse that told me he was as alive as he looked. I turned my own hand, swallowing the dryness in my throat as my heart did a leap when I saw the familiar, wonderful mark. It was like I needed every reassurance that what I saw really was a nightmare, and this was real—that I was truly in my bed with Casteel, who was _alive_.

“I’m okay,” I whispered when I realized he was waiting for an answer, the sound shaky to my own ears. I moved to sit up and Casteel moved back only slightly to give me room, and I took in a slow breath as I pressed my hands to my face.

His hand was at the back of my head, stroking my hair in a soothing gesture I craved. “You looked at our hands,” he observed, because of course he did. His voice was quiet, somber with the knowledge of what I dreamed of because more often than not, Casteel knew me better than I know myself. I heard him take a small yet sharp breath. “Did you—”

“Yes,” I answered, hands dropping from my face as my head bowed, looking down at his hands once more. Without meeting his gaze, I reached for his left hand, turning it over and holding it in both of mine. I grazed the mark with my thumb, his skin warm against mine. “It was. . . It felt so real.”

Too real. The tightness in my chest that had rendered my breathless, the freezing rain, the haunting lack of Casteel’s heartbeat. He had been so still, so cold, and suddenly all I could think of was a bleak life that didn't consist of Casteel; his dimpled grin, the teasing glint in his golden eyes, the sound of his deep laugh, or his dizzying touch. 

Those few moments, whether it was a dream or not, had felt too real as my subconscious decided to prey on my fears. That belief of Casteel being gone, being _dead_ , had paralyzed me right to the core and it truly hit me, then, how powerful that loss would be. Casteel’s death wouldn’t have just taken him from me—it would’ve taken a part of me, as well. A big part. I spent most of my life not depending on others, on trying to control as much of my life as I could, even when I was the Maiden. But I could easily admit that Casteel was a significant, immovable part of me that I never wanted to be rid of.

Losing him, even in a nightmare, had been horrific. If it truly happened, it would be unbearable and I. . . I would be lost. Of that, I had no doubt.

“But it wasn’t,” Casteel said, his voice still quiet as he cupped my face with his free hand. His palm was against my jaw, thumb on my chin as he gently tilted my head up to meet his gaze. There was a solemnity in his eyes, a heaviness in his features that told me my nightmare affected him almost as much as it did me. He tried for a teasing smile as he added, “Whether you like it or not, I’m never leaving your side if I have anything to say about it.”

I smiled at that even when I felt my eyes burn, leaning into his touch, into his warmth, a vast difference than what I’d felt in that horrible dream. “I like that,” I murmured softly, sniffling softly.

Casteel let out a breath and then wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into him before laying us both down with me on top of him. My eyes squeezed shut as I felt the steady beat of his heart under my ear, the gesture prompting a couple of tears to escape, and I released another shuddering breath at yet another reminder that he was here, he was okay, he was alive. There could never be enough reminders.

His arms were wrapped around me, a protected, safe embrace that I melted into as he pressed a kiss to the top of my head. “I have you,” Casteel whispered, his reassurance a quiet rasp that tickled my skin, words we’ve whispered to one another in the quiet of the night or during the chaos of battle. Words that warmed me as much as his skin did.

I moved, then, shifting so my legs were straddling his waist and my hands slid up his chest, his neck, until they cupped his jaw. My hair fell around us like a curtain as I leaned down to press my lips to his, a soft and slow kiss that scorched me everywhere, his familiar pine scent embracing me. “I know,” I responded to his words before Casteel was quick to return the kiss, keeping it slow as we savored every moment, every movement. I drank in the feel of him, the taste of him, reminding myself over and over again of the truth of reality as I tried to push away the images that haunted me.

His arms were tight around my waist and I was greedy for him. I needed more; I needed to erase the vision of him lying motionless on the ground, needed to push past the paralyzing fear of never seeing his gorgeous eyes or hearing his deep laugh. I needed him. “Help me forget,” I mumbled against his mouth, the words more pleading than I’d intended. My forehead pressed against his, our breathing labored. “Please.”

Casteel didn’t waste a moment in turning us until it was me who was lying on my back, his strong body hovering over mine as he kissed me once more, so deep that it consumed me—exactly like I needed it to. “I have you,” Casteel repeated as he settled between my legs, lips against mine as he spoke and one hand gripping my hip. His eyes were heated and a glimmering gold as he looked at me. “Just as you have me, and I promise you there’s nothing in all of the kingdoms that will get in the way of that. Trust that.”

My arms were around his neck, keeping him close, as Casteel’s hand lifted to brush his thumb along my cheek, and I realized he was brushing away a tear that had escaped. I took in a breath, fingers tangling in his hair. “I trust _you_.”

Casteel exhaled softly before kissing me once more, and I willingly let him pull me away from the tormenting thoughts that lingered in my head and towards what he offered me: whispered reassurances, heart stopping kisses, and scorching touches that consumed me so easily.

If I had the ability to undo him, he was the master at keeping me together when I couldn’t do it myself, and losing myself in Casteel was unabashedly easy. His touch spoke of his reverence and his kisses translated his endless affection, and there was a moment after when he slid into me that he took our joined hands and pressed mine to his chest. The air caught in my throat as his hips met mine, heat spreading through me as he let me feel the thrilled beat of his heart. I kissed him again, never taking the wonderful feel of his heart, of his kisses, for granted again.

And when Casteel kissed me back, scraping my lips with his fangs, I knew he was committing this moment, this night, to memory as well. He was right; we did have each other, in more ways than one, and I would burn the world if this was taken from me. 

Of that, I had no doubt.


End file.
